Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize