I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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