Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
