sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
