k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
