she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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