I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
