they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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