Someone shit on the floor
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
