i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
