I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
