Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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