there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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