I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My Higher Power is John Stamos
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
