Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
