I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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