I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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