The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Randomize
