guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
