Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
