btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
