I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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