I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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