Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
