and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
