My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
