I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My ass is underappreciated
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
