Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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