whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
