my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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