dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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