You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
