Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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