I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We need to get me chipped asap
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
