was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
