i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
