i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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