it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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