Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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