someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
