the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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