Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
