foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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