I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
how drunk are you?
Several
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
