I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
