why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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