The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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