it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
