Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I haven't been this sober since birth.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
