Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
