wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
