yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
