The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
