I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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