I just pynch a tree in the face
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
