Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I want her autograph on my taint
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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