The maid of honor just puked.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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