the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
