Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
