Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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