Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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