I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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