dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
