Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
