while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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